Lost Keys

A number of people have emailed me recently requesting news, views, and reviews of the Jake’s feeble interpretations and understandings.

I live to please. I shall begin by giving some deep and profound advice. I give a personal guarantee that if you listen and practice this advice with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength you will eventually learn to be less like me. So here we go (again).

Last Saturday I ran 23 miles and finished dog tired, thirsty and hungry. I moseyed on over to a great little fresh fish restaurant in San Pedro and ordered the yellow- tail fish dinner. As I began stripping and changing from my wet running cloths I noticed that people were watching (shame is for the cold and huddled masses, not me). I immediately told the children to close their eyes and the woman to look over here with 20’s between their teeth (for stuffing my speedo’s). I notice that the keys in my hand were impeding the strip tease. I set my keys down and proceeded to entertain the woman folk, all to the dismay of the hostilemen. After the standing ovation and collecting all the 20’s laying about I sat down to eat my lunch. All was fine in heaven and earth until it was time to leave.

My keys were gone! I immediately began to convict every breathing creature in the establishment for intentional, devious, and underhanded thievery. I could tell, for sure, he did it because of those beady eyes, that one for his shifty nature, this one must have ripped-me-off because he had poor eye contact, absolutely it had to be that guy with the one long eyebrow, it was a dead give away. Just as I jumped into my kung fu stance and was about to kung fu everybody in the restaurant, Laura, the waitress calmed me down so we could start the key hunt. I dug through all the trash cans, searched high and low, they were not in the car, the restaurant, my pockets, the trash cans, or the bath room. They vanished! Where did they go? Did I just witness a nonsensical miracle?

After 45 minutes of intensive searching I decided that I had to call a lock smith to come and unlock the car and make me a million keys (for millions of denero). Laura gave me some change to use the pay phone (cell was locked in the car). I walked over to the pay phone and bent over to tie my shoe lace. To my dismay I heard a jingle. What? Where? Angeles? Insanity? My pockets are empty but I check for the 50th time. Am I so tired that I’ve become delirious? I bend down again pretending that my tied shoe was untied. Jingle. Now I’m cursing and foaming at the mouth! Are evil spirits conspiring just to mess with me? I bend down again to tie the tied shoe string for the third time. Jingle! Jingle! What the F&#K!

Only a finely tuned mind like mine could dissect this intriguing mystery. No, the butler didn’t do it, but I did accuse the waitress, of course. After careful contemplation, the genius finally figured it out! All that hard earned education finally paid off! Are you ready for this one? I don't think you are. I would feel more comfortable if you turned off your computer right now, go meditate for a few hours and come back later when your mind is better prepared. Okay, your back, you will never ever guess where my keys were, I'm embarrassed to admit it but...okay, okay, here we go...The keys were literally sitting on top of my head the whole time.

Apparently when I took off my cap to change shirts I set the keys in the baseball cap. After changing shirts I put the cap back on my head with the keys inside the cap. I didn’t feel any keys (only 6) konck me on the head.

I usually despise untied shoe laces, but in this case I will forever be grateful, that shoe lace saved this weary body a bundle of time and money. I literally had my keys sitting on my brain but couldn't figure out where they were.

Some profound advice: The next time you loose your keys and you’re running around like a rabid dog looking everywhere and the same places for the 50th time, be sure to check that they are not sitting on top of your head. Forever more that will be the first place I check.